My Punishment, My Freedom

Sorry it’s been awhile, you’ll never guess what happened to me after Zeus unleashed Pandora.  Get this, just because I tricked him into nearly eating ox bone, then stole fire from him in a piece of fennel and gave it to the mortals, even though he told me not to, he chained me to this massive pillar in the middle of nowhere, and sicked an eagle on my liver.  This eagle wasn’t any eagle either, it had big wings and everything, and it would eat my liver, every da.  Being immortal does have its downfalls; your organs just grow back after being consumed.  The photo I attached is a pretty realistic portrayal of what it was like.  The eagle was a smart arse too, always given me that satisfied look after eating me, and he wouldn’t be so cocky if I still had my piece of fennel.  But anyway Prometheus is ever clever and cannot be bound by mere shackles so I broke free of my binds in a mighty display of strength.  Ok it was Heracles’, I was just about to break myself out then this arrow came from nowhere and struck the eagle through the chest killing him.  Wouldn’t it of been ironic if it struck the eagle through the liver, I hope that happened.  Heracles, who also happens to have trim ankles just like my mother the ocean nymph, then released me of my shackles and I was free! I was just about to go tell Zeus what I thought about him, for chaining me to a pillar but it turns out that because Heracles had a lot of fame and Zeus believed that his fame should grow greater than it already is, and because he is Zeus son or something, he ended all anger he had before.  Thus I Prometheus, son of Iapetos, is free, until next time Zeus.  Although I did then learn that that chick, Pandora, opened up this jar she was holding and unleashed sickness and made everyone ill and people died, also hope was about to come out of the jar and she closed it.  So that kind of sucks. 

 

 

The Ulitmate Punishment

Zeus strutted over to me today and bellowed, “Son of Iapetos, clever above all others, you are pleased at having stolen fire and outwitted me – a great calamity both for yourself and for men to come.  To set against the fire I shall give them an affliction in which they will all delight as they embrace their own misfortune.”  I was then thinking shit, this can’t be good.  But Nothing I could have imagined would have resulted in what happened next, Zeus created women.  Oh the terror! Those poor mortals will now experience the distraction, and hard ships of women in every day life.  Women; whom are un-fit for poverty, as they demand plenty, give nothing and eat all the honey and stuff.  He got Hephaestus to mix the earth with the water, and some crazy god chemical reaction happened that gave the maiden her figure, voice and strength.  It was pretty cool.  Athene taught her some crafts while Aphrodite threw charms on her head, and then Hermes came along and taught her painful yearning and obsession and made the maiden into a knavish natured bitch.  She was stunningly beautiful, but I am clever above all others and knew it for a trap.  Hermes named her Pandora, as if she is some kind of earth goddess, but then all the gods in Olympus gave her a gift, so it kind of made sense, if not awfully convenient.  Hermes then proceeded to take her over to Epimetheus (he was still holding that blasted hammer, I swear that will cause some confusion one day) and asked him to accept this gift from Zeus. Meanwhile I was all cocky thinking ‘ha-ha’ I told Epimetheus to not accept anything from Zeus so there’s no way he will do it and Zeus would have failed.  But my stupid brother could not stop think with his…you know, and accepted Pandora and doomed all mankind to her annoying behaviour for ever, while Hermes and Zeus stood there having a good giggle. 

The New, Better Plan

After much thought; I, Prometheus, having the relationship with the mortals that I do could not stand for this.  I must devise another plan, even more brilliant than my last to retrieve fire from the gods and deliver it to the mortals.  What is the perfect way to transport fire? With no side-effects what so ever? I thought, then it just came to me, the perfect object in all the lands in which fire could be transported; fennel.  So I went and took the fire from the gods in the ever resourceful fennel, out witting Zeus and delivered it to the mortals.  O the joy, the mortals have the fire to do with what they will, I couldn’t be happier.  But Zeus is up to something, he is too calm, I must warn Epimetheus to not accept anything from Zeus or do anything as he says.  He was never one to think ahead that Epimetheus, and he’s been carrying that hammer around with him a lot lately, you have to double take just to make sure it wasn’t Hephaestus. 

Plan Failed

Ok so we got to Mekone and everything was going swell.  I divided up the portions as I intended, put the meat and fat and entrails and all the good stuff into the ox’s stomach and glistened the bones in fat.  Zeus then looked at the portion with that all knowing stare of his and sceptre he never puts down, all cocky and said, well boomed really in a manly voice, “Son of Iapetos, outstanding among all the lords, my good sir, how unfairly you have divided the portion.”  Thus everything was going to plan and hazzarrs were in order, so I saidith to him, in an equally manly voice, “Zeus greatest and most glorious of the eternal fathers, choose then whichever of them the spirit in your breast bids you.”  Floorless, I thought, but apparently Zeus, being Zeus, recognised the trick.  I must not have praised him enough.  Or maybe when he picked up the bones covered in fat he simply felt that it was bone and indeed not fat, no matter how glistening it was, either way the plan failed.  Thus man succumbed to the wrath of the god of gods.  Zeus refused to give the secrets of un-dying fire to the mortals, Typical Zeus to over exaggerate. 

The Plan

I’ve got it, at the settlement of Mekone, when I divide up that massive ox, I will serve it so as to deceive Zeus.  I will serve Zeus the meat and all the entrails that contain the juicy fat, and I know how much Zeus loves entrails, then cover it in the ox’s’ stomach.  For man I will give them the oxen bones and cover them in fat that is very glistening.  Zeus being all mighty and ever knowing and blah, blah will see the white bones glistening in fat and believe those to be the favourable portion of the ox and demand that they belong to him and the gods instead man.  The amount of fore thought I put into this plant, it cannot fail. 

Unjustly Treated Mortals

The race of man for whom I protect (at least I think I do, my relationship with them is quite unclearly) work tirelessly all year farming food, toiling mules and working oxen to the bone to provide food in which the gods conceal.  I son of Iapetos and Clymene the ocean nymph who I have recently noticed has trim ankles, will not stand for it.  Zeus whom banished my brother atlas to the edge of the world to hold up the sky and it is unlikely that a situation will ever present itself where atlas could possible get out of that dreadful task by deceiving someone to hold up the sky for him for a while and he makes a hasty escape.  Zeus whom struck down Menoitios with mighty lightning bolt he is constantly flaunting.  Sure Menoitios was wicked and he possessed immense strength, but I still think it was un-necessary.  I must come up with a plan to give man the food they work so tirelessly for, but what? Zeus is wide-seeing and designs do not fail.  I must fore-think this plan only then will I succeed.