Sorry it’s been
awhile, you’ll never guess what happened to me after Zeus unleashed Pandora. Get this, just because I tricked him into
nearly eating ox bone, then stole fire from him in a piece of fennel and gave it
to the mortals, even though he told me not to, he chained me to this massive
pillar in the middle of nowhere, and sicked an eagle on my liver. This eagle wasn’t any eagle either, it had
big wings and everything, and it would eat my liver, every da. Being immortal does have its downfalls; your
organs just grow back after being consumed.
The photo I attached is a pretty realistic portrayal of what it was like. The eagle was a smart arse too, always given me that
satisfied look after eating me, and he wouldn’t be so cocky if I still had my
piece of fennel. But anyway Prometheus
is ever clever and cannot be bound by mere shackles so I broke free of my binds
in a mighty display of strength. Ok it
was Heracles’, I was just about to break myself out then this arrow came from nowhere
and struck the eagle through the chest killing him. Wouldn’t it of been ironic if it struck the
eagle through the liver, I hope that happened.
Heracles, who also happens to have trim ankles just like my mother the
ocean nymph, then released me of my shackles and I was free! I was just about
to go tell Zeus what I thought about him, for chaining me to a pillar but it
turns out that because Heracles had a lot of fame and Zeus believed that his
fame should grow greater than it already is, and because he is Zeus son or
something, he ended all anger he had before.
Thus I Prometheus, son of Iapetos, is free, until next time Zeus. Although I did then learn that that chick,
Pandora, opened up this jar she was holding and unleashed sickness and made
everyone ill and people died, also hope was about to come out of the jar and
she closed it. So that kind of
sucks.
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
The Ulitmate Punishment
Zeus strutted over to
me today and bellowed, “Son of Iapetos, clever above all others, you are
pleased at having stolen fire and outwitted me – a great calamity both for
yourself and for men to come. To set against
the fire I shall give them an affliction in which they will all delight as they
embrace their own misfortune.” I was
then thinking shit, this can’t be good. But
Nothing I could have imagined would have resulted in what happened next, Zeus
created women. Oh the terror! Those poor
mortals will now experience the distraction, and hard ships of women in every
day life. Women; whom are un-fit for
poverty, as they demand plenty, give nothing and eat all the honey and
stuff. He got Hephaestus to mix the
earth with the water, and some crazy god chemical reaction happened that gave
the maiden her figure, voice and strength. It was pretty cool. Athene taught her some crafts while Aphrodite
threw charms on her head, and then Hermes came along and taught her painful
yearning and obsession and made the maiden into a knavish natured bitch. She was stunningly beautiful, but I am clever
above all others and knew it for a trap.
Hermes named her Pandora, as if she is some kind of earth goddess, but
then all the gods in Olympus gave her a gift, so it kind of made sense, if not
awfully convenient. Hermes then
proceeded to take her over to Epimetheus (he was still holding that blasted
hammer, I swear that will cause some confusion one day) and asked him to accept
this gift from Zeus. Meanwhile I was all cocky thinking ‘ha-ha’ I told Epimetheus
to not accept anything from Zeus so there’s no way he will do it and Zeus would
have failed. But my stupid brother could
not stop think with his…you know, and accepted Pandora and doomed all mankind
to her annoying behaviour for ever, while Hermes and Zeus stood there having a
good giggle.
The New, Better Plan
After much thought; I,
Prometheus, having the relationship with the mortals that I do could not stand
for this. I must devise another plan,
even more brilliant than my last to retrieve fire from the gods and deliver it
to the mortals. What is the perfect way
to transport fire? With no side-effects what so ever? I thought, then it just
came to me, the perfect object in all the lands in which fire could be
transported; fennel. So I went and took
the fire from the gods in the ever resourceful fennel, out witting Zeus and
delivered it to the mortals. O the joy,
the mortals have the fire to do with what they will, I couldn’t be
happier. But Zeus is up to something, he
is too calm, I must warn Epimetheus to not accept anything from Zeus or do
anything as he says. He was never one to
think ahead that Epimetheus, and he’s been carrying that hammer around with him
a lot lately, you have to double take just to make sure it wasn’t Hephaestus.
Plan Failed
Ok so we got to Mekone
and everything was going swell. I
divided up the portions as I intended, put the meat and fat and entrails and
all the good stuff into the ox’s stomach and glistened the bones in fat. Zeus then looked at the portion with that all
knowing stare of his and sceptre he never puts down, all cocky and said, well
boomed really in a manly voice, “Son of Iapetos, outstanding among all the
lords, my good sir, how unfairly you have divided the portion.” Thus everything was going to plan and
hazzarrs were in order, so I saidith to him, in an equally manly voice, “Zeus
greatest and most glorious of the eternal fathers, choose then whichever of
them the spirit in your breast bids you.” Floorless, I thought, but apparently Zeus,
being Zeus, recognised the trick. I must
not have praised him enough. Or maybe
when he picked up the bones covered in fat he simply felt that it was bone and
indeed not fat, no matter how glistening it was, either way the plan
failed. Thus man succumbed to the wrath
of the god of gods. Zeus refused to give
the secrets of un-dying fire to the mortals, Typical Zeus to over
exaggerate.
The Plan
I’ve got it, at the
settlement of Mekone, when I divide up that massive ox, I will serve it so as
to deceive Zeus. I will serve Zeus the
meat and all the entrails that contain the juicy fat, and I know how much Zeus
loves entrails, then cover it in the ox’s’ stomach. For man I will give them the oxen bones and
cover them in fat that is very glistening.
Zeus being all mighty and ever knowing and blah, blah will see the white
bones glistening in fat and believe those to be the favourable portion of the
ox and demand that they belong to him and the gods instead man. The amount of fore thought I put into this
plant, it cannot fail.
Unjustly Treated Mortals
The race of man for
whom I protect (at least I think I do, my relationship with them is quite
unclearly) work tirelessly all year farming food, toiling mules and working
oxen to the bone to provide food in which the gods conceal. I son of Iapetos and Clymene the ocean nymph
who I have recently noticed has trim ankles, will not stand for it. Zeus whom banished my brother atlas to the
edge of the world to hold up the sky and it is unlikely that a situation will
ever present itself where atlas could possible get out of that dreadful task by
deceiving someone to hold up the sky for him for a while and he makes a hasty
escape. Zeus whom struck down Menoitios
with mighty lightning bolt he is constantly flaunting. Sure Menoitios was wicked and he possessed immense
strength, but I still think it was un-necessary. I must come up with a plan to give man the
food they work so tirelessly for, but what? Zeus is wide-seeing and designs do
not fail. I must fore-think this plan
only then will I succeed.
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